


i don’t regret a thing

by spacershepards



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 05:09:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10326263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacershepards/pseuds/spacershepards
Summary: kaidan dies and ashley wakes up roughly twenty four hours earlier to find him still alive.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i am sorry this is angsty. also, i had to do some research on military stuff bc i really don’t know anything. this was originally for non shepards ship week, but i was… seriously late on finishing this, but here it is, finally! (revel in the angst! join me as willenko trash!)

There's no body to bury, and she can't decide if that's a good thing or not.

His parents will _never_ get to bury their son – they've been robbed of the chance to have an actual funeral, the chance to see their son one last time (even if it is in death and not life, as they would've wanted.) Yet, in a way she's the slightest bit glad, as selfish as it may seem. At least she won't have to see him. Dead. Lifeless. His expression blank, his eyes like glass, his skin cold. She's having a hard enough time keeping her eyes open so she won't picture it – picture _him_ – so no doubt that seeing it in person wouldn't help at all.

“You need to get some sleep.” Someone, voice unanimated – honestly, she can't tell who it is, maybe Joker or Liara or Shepard, their voices and faces are all blurring together right now. Tears? Guilt? Anger? All three? No clue, doesn't really matter.

_No_ , she _wants_ to say, but she can't bring herself to. Her eyes are tired - she's keeping them forced open at this point. She feels drained and the med bay feels empty and cold and too dark and she's not even sure why she's still in here, let alone how she's still awake.

She _might've_ heard Chakwas mention something related to stress, but she can't be certain.

Ashley feels herself nod vacantly – hell, not even _feel_ , she can only tell she's nodding because the room moves slightly. She doesn't do it on purpose, doesn't fully realize she made any sort of action until _whoever_ it is she's talking to places a hand on her shoulder and exits the room. Maybe. She can't tell if they've left or not, only that she can feel a hard pillow beneath her head and that the numbness is settling in even more now and that her eyes have already passively shut.

She doesn't dream, though she'd expected to see Kaidan in some sort of haze, hear his voice through an empty fog – she remembers dreaming of her father that way when he died.

Instead, nothing, or at least nothing she remembers.

At some point, her eyes open. She shifts to her side, eyeing the bright red 04:37 AM on the clock on her nightstand. God, she's so used to waking up early that her body must be accustomed to it. Then her eyes adjust to the light and she realizes, slower than she usually would, that she _isn't_ in the medical bay. She's in her bedroom, the sheets pushed off her and into a pile, her hair falling around her and getting in her face. Someone must've carried her in here so she could be more comfortable (not that her bed is any more cozy than the medical bay beds, but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?)

She stifles a yawn and sits up and then it hits her again – like a wave on the beach, or a punch, or some other metaphor that you can't really equate it to until you've felt it.

Kaidan.

_God_ , she thinks, and covers her face. The tears don't come instantly, but take a little too long, and she's trying to pull herself together so she doesn't have to spend an entire day trapping herself in her quarters. The palms of her hands are wet, her cheeks are wet, there are tears dripping down her chin and onto her shirt – wait.

_Shirt_?

She never changed out of her uniform.

Her hands fall to her lap and she reaches for the lamp on the nightstand, almost knocking the clock off in the process. Hands trembling, she barely manages to turn it on (grief, no doubt, but maybe shock's a part of it.) She would've remembered changing out of her clothes, and had someone else tried to, there's no way she _wouldn't_ have woken up.

But something else feels off, something feels familiar about this, but she's not quite sure what it is.

Her eyes flicker around the room, and then she sees it. The tiny laundry hamper she set up when she came aboard the _Normandy_. Knocked over, one of her bras hanging out and falling onto the floor. Didn't she right that yesterday? Didn't she pick it back up?

She did.

Didn't she?

Rather passively, she pulls herself out of bed and picks the hamper up effortlessly. She's tired – no, drained is a better word – and her eyes hurt from crying or something. God, she doesn't know, she doesn't know.

_Pull yourself together_ , she orders herself, finding her uniform and pulling it on. This feels familiar, like she's already been acquainted with this. She pushes the door open and steps into the hallway, feeling the cold – it's only four in the morning, a little under twenty minutes before everyone else will fully be awake.

Coffee.

Coffee's good, right? Chakwas swears on coffee sometimes, says it's the only real way to wake up in the mornings. She makes her way to the kitchen, as quiet as possible, trying not to see anything that'll remind her of him.

And then –

“Chief. What're you doing up this early?”

She turns, and _almost_ screams. He's standing there. Right there. Kaidan, right in front of her, holding a cup of coffee (two things of those tiny cream capsules and two spoonfuls of sugar, she's always poked fun at him not taking it black), leaning against the wall next to the door. He's smiling. _Smiling_. What the hell?

“What – _what're_ you doing here?”

“Caffeine,” he says, holding up his coffee as though that's some otherworldly explanation for why Kaidan Alenko is back from the dead.

“I mean -”

He cocks an eyebrow, the gesture at first startlingly strange (she never thought she'd see him do that again, to be honest), and then... _hilarious_ , apparently, because she starts laughing, and it's obvious he can't figure out why the fact that a raised eyebrow is sending her spiraling into _hysterics_. 

He's alive. He's alive. And that's funny... _why_? She's not sure. It just is.

“Maybe you need more sleep,” he says, taking a sip of coffee, shifting somewhat and blinking at her. “Once we get to Virmire...”

She freezes, blinks rapidly. “Virmire?” she manages to say.

“Yeah – don't tell me you hit your head, Williams... you _remember_ we're going to Virmire, don't you?”

“Of – of course I do!” Wait, what? This... makes no sense, at all, because they've already been to Virmire.

Yet, suddenly, it makes sense, because he's standing right in front of her, talking about going to Virmire, and... wasn't there some movie with this exact plot? Groundhog Day, maybe (Sarah's a fan of one of the remakes, the one with the lead actress who died three weeks after filming... not that it really matters under these circumstances, does it?)

Virmire hasn't happened yet.

Kaidan's alive because he hasn't died _yet_.

But isn't that a good thing?

Maybe this means he won't die at all, if they're still headed to Virmire. Because, wait, if he isn't _dead_... she can stop him from dying. If he isn't dead yet, she can convince Shepard to leave him here... or choose him over her... or, perhaps even save _both_ of them!

She's so caught up in her thoughts that she doesn't even notice Kaidan's throwing out his foam cup and exiting the kitchen. He smiles at her and places a hand on her shoulder – just the _briefest_ touch, but enough to send sparks through her. “I'd say you need to get more sleep... but we'll be there in a few hours. There's not enough time.”

“I'll be fine,” she insists, overly aware of how close he is to her – not that she minds. Though it feels seriously weird to be touched by someone, be near someone, who she thought of as 'dead', that's okay!

Because he _won't_ die this time.

* * *

Virmire looks _beautiful_ – a mixture of blues and greens and whites, blended together in a way that would put Eden Prime or Earth to shame. From space, that is. She's seen it before, been on the surface, and it is in no way beautiful once you've seen people die there.

“It's beautiful,” she hears Tali say from behind her, taking a few steps towards the window. Ashley can't see her face but she'd bet anything that the Quarian's expression is one of awe.

“Yeah, it is.” Kaidan appears next to Tali, looking out over the planet and sighing slightly, his shoulders lowering.

Ashley turns away from the window, trying way too hard to hold back tears. She can't cry yet, not yet, she's so close to changing everything. “We're not here for sightseeing. We're here for the infiltration team, remember?”

“'course I remember, Chief.”

Then, over the loudspeakers - “Commander, I'm reading a signal. Must be our Salarian infiltration team.” Joker's flying them in already, moving closer and closer to the planet's surface with every second.

Kaidan blinks a few times, leaning closer to the window. “Check out those defense towers.”

“You can see them from here?” she asks, raising an eyebrow at him.

“We're close enough to see them – they're huge.”

Then, Shepard appears, looking concentrated, surveying the group gathered around the windows. “Liara, Garrus, you'll be with me.” Then, speaking to Joker, already climbing into the Mako with Liara and Garrus - “Drop the Mako. We'll go in hot and take them out.”

“I'll get you in underneath their radar, Commander,” says Joker.

Ashley can't tell what his tone of voice is.

She's not sure she likes it.

* * *

Once Shepard has the AA towers down, they land the Normandy at the base. She's already been here, already seen the planet's surface: sand, rocks, lake-blue water, clouded skies with hints of lightning. It's not quite pretty, not quite ugly, not really anything. It's _definitely_ a strange place to die.

The camp's nice, she supposes, tucked neatly behind a wall. The Salarians are nice-ish.

But, they're grounded.

Shepard arrives, looking concerned – apparently, Joker already informed the commander of their little problem. Which is probably a good thing, because Ashley doesn't want to have to tell the commander herself.

“So what are we supposed to do know?” Ashley asks Kirrahe, knitting her eyebrows together – she can hear Shepard's approach, she can easily tell that the commander is almost at her side.

“Stay put until we can come up with a plan.”

Then, Shepard's voice as the commander appears next to her, standing in between Ashley and Kaidan, arms crossed. “Are you in charge here? What's the situation?”

“I'm Captain Kirrahe, Third Infiltration Regiment STG. You and your crew have just landed in the middle of a hotzone. Every AA gun within ten miles has been alerted to your presence.” The Salarian seems tough, Ashley'll give him that.

“What are we supposed to do in the meantime?” Shepard asks, raising an eyebrow.

“We stay put until the Council sends the reinforcements we requested.”

Ha. That's them, right? They're the reinforcements, right?

Then, as if he knows exactly what she's thinking, Kaidan unravels his arms and says, “We _are_ the reinforcements.” Not that he didn’t say that last time, of course - she’s not surprised.  


“What? You're all they sent?” Kirrahe looks more confused than anything else. “I told the Council to send a fleet.”

“We couldn't understand your transmission,” says Shepard. “They sent me to investigate.”

“That is a repetition of our task. I lost half my men _investigating_ this place.”

Kaidan speaks before Shepard or Ashley have the chance to. “So what _have_ you found?” he says, tone kept calm. He glances over Shepard's shoulder at her, the hint of a smile on his lips. God, he's... going to die if she doesn't stop this.

Kirrahe lets out a sigh, shifting his weight to his other side as he talks. “Saren's base of operations. He's set up a research facility here, but it's crawling with Geth and very well fortified.” _Saren_. That comes as a bit of a shock to Shepard and Kaidan, and Ashley pretends like it's one to her, too... but really, she's heard this all before.

Shepard's lips purse. “Is he here? Have you seen him?”

“No,” Kirrahe says, giving a slight shake of his head. “But his Geth are everywhere, and we've intercepted some comms referring to Saren. This is his facility, there's no doubt about that.”

“What's Saren _researching_?” Shepard asks, and Ashley wonders if she maybe ought to say something, try to explain just what the Turian is researching, exactly _everything_ that's going to happen while they're here.

“He's... using the facility to breed an army of Krogan.”

Then, Wrex appears, as if summoned by the very mention of Krogan. “How is that possible?” he asks, but it sounds more like a statement. Maybe he'd been listening in. Maybe he just heard it. She can't tell.

“Apparently... Saren has discovered a cure for the genophage,” Kirrahe replies.

“What's so important about curing this genophage?” asks Shepard, and Ashley wants to facepalm. Does Shepard not know anything about the genophage? Then again, the commander asked this last time, so she can't really be surprised.

“It was the solution to the Krogran problem,” Wrex says, turning his head towards Shepard.

“We introduced the genophage to the Krogan population after... the uprising. To quell their numbers.” It's sad that Kirrahe sounds almost proud, though sad at the same time – Ashley's never exactly been friends with Wrex, or any other Krogan, but she can't deny that it isn't unfair on them. “Without it, the Krogan will quickly overrun the galaxy. And these Krogan follow Saren.”

Shepard sighs, eyes flickering towards the ground, then back up at Captain Kirrahe. “The Geth are bad enough. but a Krogan army... he'd be almost unstoppable.”

“Exactly my thoughts. We must ensure that this facility and its secrets are destroyed.”

Oh no, here it comes. Wrex doesn't quite sound angry, but she can tell he's angry beneath all of it. “Destroyed? I don't think so. Our people are dying. This cure can save them.”

“If that cure leaves the planet, the Krogan will become unstoppable. We can't make the same mistake again.”

Wrex steps towards the Salarian, who flinches and steps back as Wrex shoves a finger at him. “We are not a mistake!” And then, he's gone.

“Is he going to be a problem?” asks Kirrahe, tone clipped. “We already have enough angry Krogan to deal with.”

He's not a problem.

It's not a problem.

Ashley kills Wrex, a few moments later. Just like she did last time. She couldn't change that, either.

She didn't even think to try.

* * *

It's a blur. Everything's a blur. Fighting, getting past Saren's Geth... she's already been through this. She's _already_ been through this before. Everything's a long, hazy blur, making it hard for Ashley to tell exactly where they are, or how much time has passed, but before she knows it, Shepard's commanding her to set up a bomb, so they can get the hell out of there.

Maybe this time they'll both leave with Shepard.

“Bomb is in position,” she says, trying to hide the shaking in her voice. “We're all set here.”

“Commander -” Kaidan. Oh, God. “- Do you read me?”

“The nuke is almost ready, Lieutenant. Get to the rendezvous point. ” Shepard says.

“ _Negative_ , Commander. The Geth have us pinned down on the AA tower.” There's shooting in the background, even Ashley can hear it, and she's shaking, trying not to start crying – she knows what's going to happen, what could happen, oh God... “We've taken heavy casualties. Captain Kirrahe's dead. We'll never make the rendezvous point in time.”

“Get them out of there, Joker,” says Shepard, brow furrowing. “Now.”

“ _Negative_! It's too hot. You can't risk it.” Somehow, somehow, Kaidan stays so calm, and she doesn't understand it... if he knew he was going to die, she's certain that he wouldn't be so calm. Yet... she can still do this. She can still take his place. Can't she? “We'll hold them off as long as we -”

Then, he's cut off, and Shepard's eyes meet Ashley's. “It's okay, Commander, I... need a couple minutes to finish arming the nuke.” She does, it's true, she needed a few minutes last time... but maybe, maybe they'll both survive this time, maybe Shepard will get to Kaidan quickly enough, maybe... “Go get them and meet me back here.”

“Up to the AA tower. Move.” Then, before she can do anything (pray, beg, plead, _something_ ), Shepard's gone.

It's a few minutes before she hears it, a ship, above her, heading directly towards her, and then Kaidan's voice as Geth pour out of the ship, “Chief, we just spotted a troop ship inbound to your location.”

“It's already here,” she says, hoping the fear isn't too obvious in her voice – she aims her gun, knowing she won't miss (she didn't last time, now did she?) and, of course, she doesn't. The Geth hits the ground. Another one, two, three take it's place. “And it's bleeding Geth all over the bomb site.”

Shepard's voice: “Can you hold them off?”

What is she supposed to say? That she can? She wants to, she feels like she has to – maybe Shepard can get Kaidan out of there in time, maybe if she tries hard enough to fight back... She shoots another Geth, closing her eyes for just the slightest second in the hopes that maybe she'll just wake up again, get another chance. 

“There's too many!” Less than a second before she makes her decision – she has to tell the truth, doesn't she?

“I don't think we can hold 'em.” Her eyes land on the bomb, and yet again, she makes the same decision... all over again, the exact same decisions, yet she keeps hoping that Kaidan will survive somehow anyways. “I'm activating the nuke.”

“What are you doing, Chief?” Shepard says, voice stern.

“Making sure this bomb goes off,” she says, turning towards the bomb, aiming at one last Geth. “No matter what.” She presses the right buttons, does _everything_ right – this is suicide, isn't it? Suicide to save her team, her friends? “It's done, Commander. Go get the Lieutenant and get the hell out of here!” Her voice is strained, and she can tell Commander Shepard is thinking, and... 

God, what if Shepard chooses _her_ again? No, she can't let that happen, it has to be Kaidan... it has to be Kaidan... _it has to be Kaidan_...

“Belay that! We can handle ourselves, go back and get Williams.”

“Williams.” Shepard. She knows what's coming already, she knows what he's about to say, and she can't stand it, she can barely breathe, she feels like her chest is closing up. “Radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site.”

No! “Yes, Commander. I...” No, she has to stop this, she has to... do something, anything, this can't happen, he can't die.

It's obvious Kaidan knows what she's about to say, because he speaks before she has the chance to finish her sentence. “It's the right choice, and you know it, Ash.” She can picture him: shooting at Geth, trying not to cry – that's what she's doing, after all. _Maybe_ even smiling, knowing that at least she has a shot at living, even if he doesn't, even if he dies in the process. He's going to die.

He said that last time.

She doesn't want to hear him say it again.

“I'm sorry, Kaidan.” Shepard doesn't quite sound apologetic. “I had to make a choice.”

“Shepard, please -” she says, knowing that she won't be heard, knowing that however hard she begs, nothing's going to change. “- _please_ -”

Kaidan cuts her off, and she's not sure what his tone of voice is, but... something about it seems almost soothing. “I understand, Commander. I don't regret a thing.”

“ _No_! Kaidan, I -”

_I love you, always have_.

But he doesn't hear her, Shepard doesn't hear her.

None of them do.

_You can’t change time._  


* * *

There's no body to bury, once again, and she can't decide if that's a good thing or not.


End file.
